Banned from the Fun
Jeff Evans

Papa Bear Awards 20062006 Papa Bear Awards - Nominated
Best Challenge - Parody Band on the Run by Paul McCartney & Wings

Papa Bear Awards 20062006 Papa Bear Awards - First Place
Best Songfic/Poerty


 

This was written in response to the SmartGroups song-fic challenge issued by Marg Ė to ďadaptĒ the song Band on the Run by Paul McCartney and Wings to our heroes from Stalag 13. From there, the number of tracks has grown, encompassing not only Beatles tunes, but adding tuned from the Police.

 

As usual, no claim is made on the characters from the Hoganís Heroes universe.

 

So put on your headphones, put on the song by Sir Paul, and enjoy!

 

* * * * * * * * * *

 

Featured Track Ė Banned from the Fun

(To the tune of Band on the Run, Paul McCartney and Wings)

 

[Stage Announcer]

This is the story of prisoners Richard Baker and Vladimir "Sam" Minsk and their frustration with constantly being left out of the fan fiction stories.

 

*lights dim, spotlight appears illuminating Richard Baker*

 

*music starts, slow tempo*

 

[Baker]

Stuck inside this tunnel,

Seemingly forever,

Hardly seeing no one,

Missed again ... By you ... Authors ...

You ... Authors ... you

 

*music transitions - spotlight moves to illuminate Sam Minsk*

 

[Minsk]

If I ever get noticed here,

Think I'll go and faint dead away,

Not asking for charity,

All I need is a line a day,

If I ever get noticed here,

 

*Spotlight illuminates both men*

 

[Baker & Minsk]

If we ever get noticed here.

 

*music transitions again*

 

*spotlight illuminates the rest of the prisoners, playing various instruments*

 

[Carter]

Well the bridge exploded with a mighty crash

As we broke into a run.

And old Newkirk said as we got out of there,

I hope you're having fun.

Banned from the fun,

Banned from the fun,

And that Baker man, and Russian Sam,

Were nowhere to be found

 

[Baker & Minsk]

ĎCause we're banned from the fun,

Banned from the fun,

Banned from the fun,

Banned from the fun.

 

[Newkirk]

Well the fiction writer drew a heavy sigh

Seeing no one else around.

So he wrote down the name of a new character

And the high jinx do abound

Banned from the fun,

Banned from the fun,

And that Baker man, and Russian Sam,

Were nowhere to be found

 

[Baker & Minsk]

ĎCause we're banned from the fun,

Banned from the fun,

Banned from the fun,

Banned from the fun.

 

[LeBeau]

Well the night was falling as the prison camp

Began to settle down.

In the town we're sipping on our steins of beer,

But they never will be found.

Banned from the fun,

Banned from the fun.

 

[Hogan]

Do the readers care

If they are there?

I doubt that they'll be found.

 

[Baker & Minsk]

ĎCause we're banned from the fun,

Banned from the fun,

Banned from the fun,

Banned from the fun.

 

 

Bonus Track Ė A Hard Dayís Night

(To the Beatles tune of the same name)

 

[Ed Sullivan]

And now, here they are back again .... The HEROES!

 

*ear piercing screams*

 

It's been a hard day's night

And I've been running from the dogs

It's been a hard day's night

Old Klink is sleeping like a log

But I've had tough work to do

There were three bridges that blew

And now I feel all right

 

I'm in the camp all day

We're printing money and planning things

It would be worth it just to hear Schultz say

I know nothing, nothing

So why on earth should I moan

I got Klink's car on a loan

And now I feel okay

 

When I roam, everything seems to go right

When I roam, creeping around in the night, night, yeah

 

It's been a hard day's night

And I've been running from the dogs

It's been a hard day's night

Old Klink is sleeping like a log

But I've had tough work to do

There were three bridges that blew

And now I feel all right

 

 

Bonus Track Ė Stalag Luft 13

(To the tune of Yellow Submarine, The Beatles)

 

[Newkirk]

In the town of Hammelburg

At the Hofbrau we met a bird

And she told us of her plan

Said that Hogan was the man

 

So the depot went and blew

From the charges that we threw

Then we went away unseen

Back to Stalag Luft 13

 

[All]

We all live here in Stalag Luft 13

Stalag Luft 13, Stalag Luft 13

We all live here in Stalag Luft 13

Stalag Luft 13, Stalag Luft 13

 

[Newkirk]

When the Krauts get all too bored

We can fool them even more

With the games that we will play

 

*brass band plays interlude*

 

[All]

We all live here in Stalag Luft 13

Stalag Luft 13, Stalag Luft 13

We all live here in Stalag Luft 13

Stalag Luft 13, Stalag Luft 13

 

[Newkirk]

Hochstetter yells and he screams

Colonel Hogan just looks serene

As he views the funny scene

Here at Stalag Luft 13

 

[All]

We all live here in Stalag Luft 13

Stalag Luft 13, Stalag Luft 13

We all live here in Stalag Luft 13

Stalag Luft 13, Stalag Luft 13

 

 

Bonus Track Ė Ob-la-di Ob-la-da

(To the Beatles tune of the same name)

 

[Hogan]

Klinkís the Kommandant of our small prison camp

Burkhalter commands him from Berlin

Burkhalter screams at him till his face is damp

And in his chair Klink sits there cowering again

 

[All]

Ob-la-di ob-la-da Russian Front yeah

Send him to the Russian Front

Ob-la-di ob-la-da Russian Front yeah

Send him to the Russian Front

 

[Hogan]

Klink he takes his staff car out to Paris France

Has it stolen quicker than a wink

Tries to get it back from the Gestapo man

But his plan backfires as heís thrown into the klink

 

[All]

Ob-la-di ob-la-da Russian Front yeah

Send him to the Russian Front

Ob-la-di ob-la-da Russian Front yeah

Send him to the Russian Front

 

[Hogan]

And it doesnít take long to get sent

so far from home

With the freezing cold wind blowing in his face

Enough to make old Klink moan

 

Hochstetter is screaming that some heads will roll

Klink just sits there shaking like a leaf

Opens up his mouth and says a stupid thing

And in the morning heís on a train heading east.

 

[All]

Ob-la-di ob-la-da Russian Front yeah

Send him to the Russian Front

Ob-la-di ob-la-da Russian Front yeah

Send him to the Russian Front

 

[Hogan]

And if you want some fun

[All]

Head to the Russian Front.

 

 

Bonus Tracks Ė Colonel Hoganís Allied Air Corps Band / With a Little Help from my Friends

(To the tune of Sergeant Pepperís Lonely Hearts Club Band, The Beatles, and the Beatles tune of the same name)

 

[Olsen]

It was some three years ago today

Colonel Hogan asked the band to stay

Theyíve done sabotage with flair and style

And theyíre always apt to raise a smile

So may I introduce to you

They act youíve loved for all these years

Colonel Hoganís Allied Air Corps Band

 

[The Band]

Weíre Colonel Hoganís Allied Air Corps Band

We hope to make the bridges blow

Weíre Colonel Hoganís Allied Air Corps Band

Be back in time for morning roll

Colonel Hoganís Allied

Colonel Hoganís Allied

Colonel Hoganís Allied Air Corps Band

 

The Germanís keep us in here

Itís certainly no thrill

Weíre stuck inside the barbwire fence

Weíd like to be back home real soon, weíd like to be back home

 

[Olsen]

Well they really want the bridge to blow

But I thought you might like to know

That itís really going to make some noise

That we want you all to just enjoy

So let me introduce to you

The one and only Andrew C.

And Colonel Hoganís Allied Air Corps Band

 

[The Band]

Andrew C.

 

[Carter]

What would you do if I blew up the bridge

Would you come along and help me win

Hand me that charge and Iíll put it in place

And Iíll try not to mess up again

 

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends

Mmm, Blew sky-high with a little help from my friends

Mmm, Going to try with a little help from my friends

 

[Carter]

What do I do when I am on my way

[The Band]

Does it worry you to go alone

[Carter]

How do I feel when Iím sneaking away

[The Band]

Are you sad because youíre on your own

 

[Carter]

No, I get by with a little help from my friends

Mmm, sky-high with a little help from my friends

Mmm, going to try with a little help from my friends

 

[The Band]

Do you need anybody

[Carter]

I need somebody to help

[The Band]

Could it be anybody

[Carter]

I want somebody to help

 

[The Band]

Would you believe in success the first try

[Carter]

Yes Iím certain that it happens all the time

[The Band]

Where will you be when they turn out the light

[Carter]

I canít tell you, but I know Iím fine

 

[Carter]

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends

Mmm, Sky-high with a little help from my friends

Oh Iím going to try with a little help from my friends

 

[The Band]

Do you need anybody

[Carter]

I need somebody to help

[The Band]

Could it be anybody

[Carter]

I want somebody to help

 

[Carter]

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends

Mmm, Going to try with a little help from my friends

Oh, blew sky-high with a little help from my friends

Yes I get by with a little help from my friends

With a little help from my friends

 

 

 

Bonus Track Ė Wash My Car

(To the tune of Drive My Car, The Beatles)

 

[Klink]

Ask Hogan, with my car what is wrong

He said Colonel, wonít be long

Iím needed for business, in need of my ride

But youíve got something youíre trying to hide

 

Hogan donít you wash my car

Sometimes you can go too far

Hogan donít you wash my car

You know I donít trust you

 

I told Hogan that it looked pretty good

He said Colonel, thatís understood

Said it was dirty, covered with grime

But I think you are stalling for time

 

Hogan donít you wash my car

Sometimes you can go too far

Hogan donít you wash my car

You know I donít trust you

 

Beep beepím beep beep yeah

 

*guitar licks courtesy of Sgt Andrew Carter*

 

Hogan donít you wash my car

Sometimes you can go too far

Hogan donít you wash my car

You know I donít trust you

 

I told Hogan I must leave right away

And he said listen Klink, I got something to say

You got no car and itís breaking my heart

But Schultz is your driver and thatís a start

 

Hogan donít you wash my car

Sometimes you can go too far

Hogan donít you wash my car

You know I donít trust you

 

Beep beepím beep beep yeah

 

 

 

Bonus Track Ė Demolition Man

(To the tune of Demolition Man, The Police)

 

Authorís Note: Inspiration for this tune came from Nancy (nom-de-plume) when she posted a Beatles parody Demolition Man (to the tune of Nowhere Man). Since The Police had recorded a song by the same name, I looked into it - and found that very little had to be changed to turn it into a tune that our beloved Sgt. Andrew Carter could have written about himself. (Exaggerating slightly, wouldn't you think?)

 

[Carter]

Wiring the tracks and the train's just coming

Strapped to the rail with the timer running

Colonel says this was a brilliant plan

I don't mess around; I'm the demolition man

 

Tied to a chair leg, the bomb is ticking

This situation was not of his picking

Colonel says this was a brilliant plan

I don't mess around; I'm the demolition man

 

I'm a walking nightmare, an arsenal of doom

I kill all the Nazi's as I blow the conference room

I'm a blacksnake whip

I'm the sort of thing they ban

I'm a walking disaster

I'm a demolition man

 

They hunt for me like a moth hunts the flame

I mimic Hitler - they don't know my game

And the flames I just love to fan

'Cause I'm no Naziís friend

I'm a demolition man

 

I'm a walking nightmare, an arsenal of doom

I kill all the Nazi's as I blow the conference room

I'm a blacksnake whip

I'm the sort of thing they ban

I'm a walking disaster

I'm a demolition man

 

 

Bonus Track Ė Stalagian Pie

(To the tune of American Pie, Don McLean)

 

Authorís Note: Inspiration for this tune came from Pattiís posting to SmartGroups about the anniversary of the airing of the final episode of the series. (The day the laughter died.) American Pie was rather appropriate Ė many instances I could simply use words from the original song. Credit for the title goes to Brian D. who changed the title of the message thread on the SmartGroups list to this Ė again, rather appropriate!

 

 

A long, long time ago

I can still remember how that sitcom used to make me smile

The network took away their chance

For them to make the people laugh and keep them feeling happy for a while

The tension really made me shiver

With every message Kinch delivered

Bad news the last season

Kinch left without a reason

I can't remember if I cried or if I just wanted to go and hide

But something touched me deep inside

The day, the laughter died.

 

So ...

Bye Bye to the prisoner guys

Drove the Nazi's pretty nutsy and then spit in their eye

Them good old boys were drinking Klink's schnapps and wine

Singing Hogan is a really great guy

Hogan is a really great guy.

 

Hogan steals the book of codes

And Schultz seeks help from God above, just when Hogan tells him so

Hochstetter believes Hogan's the one

Burkhalter joins in on the fun

And Helga warns him when he better run

Well I know that she's in love with him

'Cause she's always up to helping them

The men kicked off their boots

'Cause they got those tunneling blues

It was a hard job with which they were stuck

Picking up downed flyers in a German truck

But one day we were out of luck

The day, the laughter died.

 

We started singing ...

Bye Bye to the prisoner guys

Drove the Nazi's pretty nutsy and then spit in their eye

Them good old boys were drinking Klink's schnapps and wine

Singing Hogan is a really great guy

Hogan is a really great guy.

 

For thirty years we've been on our own

With tapes and DVD's to own, but that's not how it used to be

When syndicated shows first were seen

With scenes cut out, it's so obscene, for ads to be aimed to you and me

Oh and while the network thought they'd won

The local stations stole the fun

The sitcom was returned, no more were we spurned

Then Nick-at-Nite was on the mark

Our quintet tunneled in the dark

And we sang praises with a spark

But then, the laughter died.

 

We were singing ...

Bye Bye to the prisoner guys

Drove the Nazi's pretty nutsy and then spit in their eye

Them good old boys were drinking Klink's schnapps and wine

Singing Hogan is a really great guy

Hogan is a really great guy.

 

Klink Commandos in a summer rerun

The boys were tasked with another mission, with the thought it was their last

A Count came into the camp

With something tempting in his hand and Marya as his sole supporting cast

Now Marya smelled of sweet perfume

As the Colonel felt a sense of doom

He tried to steal the plans

Oh, but he never got the chance

'Cause as Newkirk tried to pick the lock

The Count woke up and they were caught

Their efforts all went for naught

And then, the laughter died.

 

They started singing ...

Bye Bye to the prisoner guys

Drove the Nazi's pretty nutsy and then spit in their eye

Them good old boys were drinking Klink's schnapps and wine

Singing Hogan is a really great guy

Hogan is a really great guy.

 

Oh and there they were all on the train

With Klink grimacing in such pain, he was not where he chose to be

Aw come on, Klink be nimble, Klink be quick

Wilhelm lay it on real thick, and try to get back to Germany

Oh and as I watched it on the screen

My hands were clapping, what a scene

As Hogan went through hell

To break Marya's spell

And as the train sped East into the night

The Count defected with no fight

And Marya laughed with such delight

But then, the laughter died.

 

She was singing ...

Bye Bye to the prisoner guys

Drove the Nazi's pretty nutsy and then spit in their eye

Them good old boys were drinking Klink's schnapps and wine

Singing Hogan is a really great guy,

Hogan is a really great guy.

 

On SmartGroups we all heard the news

And we asked them for the good reviews, someone bought the DVD's that day

I went down to the sacred store

Where I'd bought videos before, I grabbed the discs and stood in line to pay

And on the disc the pilot played

Some scenes were cut and I dismayed

As Season One was showing, the LEDs were glowing

And for three days I watched them all

From start to finish, had a ball

I watched the last one with a pall

ĎCause then, the laughter died.

 

And they were singing ...

Bye Bye to the prisoner guys

Drove the Nazi's pretty nutsy and then spit in their eye

Them good old boys were drinking Klink's schnapps and wine

Singing Hogan is a really great guy

Hogan is a really great guy.

 

They were singing ...

Bye Bye to the prisoner guys

Drove the Nazi's pretty nutsy and then spit in their eye

Them good old boys were drinking Klink's schnapps and wine

Singing Hitler is a pig in a sty.

 

 


Text and original characters copyright 2005 by Jeff Evans

This copyright covers only  original material and characters, and in no way intends to infringe upon the privileges of the holders of the copyrights, trademarks, or other legal rights, for the Hogan's Heroes universe.