Harry Potter and the Prisoners of Stalag 13
2005 Papa Bear Awards - Second Place
This story was inspired by the movie Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. It is an unlikely crossover, but I was intrigued by something from the movie and thought that it would make an interesting little short story for the Hogan’s Heroes universe. By the way, it would help if you have seen the movie or read the book – then you will understand the item that inspired this story.
Thanks to Marg for suggesting the title, and to Patti for supplying the first review: “That was too bloody funny.”
The usual disclaimer applies – I make no claims to either the Hogan’s Heroes or Harry Potter universes.
Colonel Hogan watched as LeBeau’s feet began descending the wooden ladder leading up to the tree stump.
“It’s about bloody time they got back,” said Newkirk. “They’ve been gone for hours.”
Hogan looked at Newkirk and smiled. “You’re just sore because you had to stay here this time!” he said.
Newkirk was about to protest, but was stopped when LeBeau, finally down into the tunnel, interrupted. “Mon Colonel,” he said. “There’s someone here who says he has something for you.”
Hogan looked at LeBeau quizzically. “What is it?” he asked. “Who is it?”
LeBeau shook his head. “Better let him explain. I’ve never seen him before,” he told his Colonel. He saw the suspicious look cross Hogan’s face, and he quickly added, “It’s a teenage boy. I’d say he’s about 13 or 14.”
Hogan was really curious now. He looked at the ladder and saw a pair of legs descending down the ladder. He waited until the man … no, LeBeau was right; the boy … was finally into the tunnel. He was surprised. What kind of thing would a boy have for him? His surprise grew by magnitudes when the boy turned around spotting Newkirk.
“Peter?” said the boy. “Is that you?”
Newkirk blinked. “Harry?” he asked in amazement. “Harry Potter? What in bloody ‘ell are you doing here?” He smiled at the boy.
Colonel Hogan looked at them both, and then cleared his throat. “Can either one of you tell me what is going on?” he asked. “Newkirk, do you know this boy?”
Newkirk nodded. “Yes sir,” he said. “This is Harry. He lived in my neighborhood with his aunt and uncle. He was orphaned at a young age, and I sort of took him under my wing. He was interested in magic tricks, and I taught him everything he knows.”
Harry cleared his throat. “Peter,” he said, shaking his finger at Newkirk.
Newkirk grinned. “Alright, he actually started teaching me some things,” Newkirk sheepishly admitted. “Harry, did you ever go to that school that you were accepted to? I know your uncle didn’t really want to send you.”
Harry nodded. “Yes, it’s been great,” he replied. “You wouldn’t believe the things we learn there!”
Hogan was getting impatient. “I hate to break up this reunion,” he said testily. “Didn’t someone say you had something for me?” I wonder what he’s got for me. A message from London? If so, there are better ways of sending it than a teenage boy.
“Sorry sir,” Newkirk said. He turned to Harry. “Harry, this is Colonel Hogan.”
Hogan shook hands with the boy. A friend of Newkirk’s from England? A teenage boy? Here? I must be dreaming!
“Colonel Hogan sir,” said Harry. “Yes, I do have something here for you. Don’t ask where it came from or how it works, just accept it and use it wisely.” He saw the dumbfounded look on the Colonel’s face and smiled. “Don’t worry; it won’t bite you like one of my school books would.”
Hogan began to collect himself. By this time, Carter had entered the tunnel from the tree stump entrance above. Kinch and Baker had wandered over from the radio room to see what was going on. Hogan was aware that his men were watching him, and he was determined to try to not look too foolish in front of them. “What is it?” he asked Harry.
“This,” Harry responded, and took out a folded book of what looked like blank parchment. He handed the parchment to Colonel Hogan.
Hogan looked at the parchment. “You came here to give me … a bunch of blank paper?” he asked incredulously.
Harry smiled and shook his head. “Paper yes,” he said. “Blank, no. Watch this.” Harry took the parchment back and said “I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.”
The men watched in amazement as the blank parchment seemed to come to life. Black lines were drawing themselves throughout the paper. Small footprints pranced around the pages. The map slowly grew to resemble a small picture of Stalag 13.
Hogan blinked, hoping he wasn’t seeing what he thought he was seeing. He looked again to find that the map was complete. Small tiny footsteps were all over the map, some of them were moving. “Is this …” he started to ask.
Harry nodded. “Stalag 13,” he said. “My friends and I made it for Peter. It was sort of a school project.”
“Harry,” Newkirk said. “What are all those footprints? Why are some of them moving?”
“Let me explain,” Harry replied. “This map shows where everyone is in this camp. The footprints are moving because the people are moving.”
Everyone looked at Harry with a look of disbelief. Newkirk laughed. “Is this another one of your magic tricks Harry?” he asked.
“Yes,” Harry said smiling. “Now, to get it to show the map, you have to say ‘I solemnly swear that I am up to no good’ and the map will draw itself. Actually, you just have to say ‘swear’ and ‘up to no good’ for it to work. It just sounds better if you say the entire phrase. And when you are through, just say ‘mischief managed’ and the map will disappear.”
“Blimey, that’s incredible,” Newkirk said.
“That’s impossible!” Hogan exclaimed.
Harry laughed and shook his head. “No sir, it isn’t,” he said. “If it was, you wouldn’t be looking at it right now.” Harry looked at the map. “Mischief managed.” Everyone watched the map disappear on the page.
Hogan rubbed at the pain in his temples. “I’ve got to quit drinking that bad schnapps of Klink’s,” he muttered to himself.
“Remember what I said, use it wisely and be careful with it,” Harry said. “Major Hochstetter would love to have a map like this.”
Hogan’s jaw dropped. “How do you know Hochstetter,” he asked.
“Oh that,” Harry replied. “I’ve watched some of your exploits in my crystal ball.”
The pain in Hogan’s temples grew stronger. “I’d better lay off the brandy too,” he muttered.
Harry turned towards the ladder. “Well, I’ve got to be going,” he said.
Hogan looked at him. “You need someone to take you somewhere?” he asked.
Harry shook his head. “No thanks,” he said. “My broom is out in the woods. I’ll ride it home.”
Hogan rubbed his temples yet again. “On second thought, I think I need a drink!”
After roll call, the men assembled inside Colonel Hogan’s office.
“I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.” Hogan said, looking at the blank pages in his hand. Black marks began moving along the page. Everyone watched as the map of the camp was revealed.
“This is amazing,” Carter said. “Newkirk, how did Harry do this?”
“I learned not to question how Harry manages to do things,” Newkirk replied.
Hogan pointed at the map. “However he did it, it looks to be correct,” he said. “Look, it says we are right here in my office.”
Kinch pointed at another point on the map. “Look,” he said. “It also says that Schultz is heading for the barracks.”
“Mischief managed,” Hogan said, and watched the map disappear on the page. He followed his men out of his office into the outer room in time to see the door begin to open. “Come in Schultz,” he shouted.
The door opened and Schultz came in, a look of surprise on his face. “Colonel Hogan,” he said. “How did you know it was me? The door was closed and I didn’t see anyone looking out of it like I normally do.”
Hogan set the map down on the table and turned to Schultz. “Come on Schultz,” he said. “Don’t you trust us?”
Schultz looked at the paper on the table and picked it up before anyone in the room could stop him. “What’s this?” he asked. “A newspaper? How did you get a newspaper, Colonel Hogan?”
Hogan smiled. “Yes,” he said. “It’s a newspaper.”
Schultz opened the folded parchment to see that it was blank. “But it’s blank,” he said.
“It was kind of a slow day for news,” Carter responded. Newkirk nudged him and glared.
Schultz looked at the paper and then at Colonel Hogan. “Colonel Hogan,” he said. “Sometimes I swear that you are up to no good.”
Hogan winced. He saw Schultz look down at the paper as it began to draw itself. He dropped the paper back on the table like it was on fire. “Colonel Hogan!” he exclaimed. “The paper is alive!”
Hogan picked up the paper before Schultz could recover. “Mischief managed,” he muttered softly. The map disappeared again.
Schultz looked at Colonel Hogan again. “There’s something on that page, Colonel Hogan,” he said.
“You’re imagining things Schultz,” Hogan said to him. “See, it’s still blank.” He showed Schultz the blank paper.
Schultz shook is head. “No, no, no,” he said. “There was something on that page before. There’s something going on here.”
Hogan smiled. “OK Schultz,” he said. “I’ll tell you what you saw.”
Schultz immediately threw up his hands. “No,” he said. “Sometimes it is better that I know nothing.”
“But Schultz, it’s really rather simple,” Hogan persisted. “You see, it’s blank until …”
Schultz put his fingers in his ears. “Please don’t tell me,” he shouted. “I want to know noooothing!” He turned and headed for the door with his fingers still in his ears. When he reached the door, Carter opened it for him, and he departed out into the compound, with his fingers still in his ears.
Hogan breathed a sigh of relief. “Whew,” he said. “That was close. I’d better hang on to this more carefully. Harry was right; Hochstetter would really love to have a map like this!”
Text and original characters copyright 2004 by Jeff Evans
This copyright covers only original material and characters, and in no way intends to infringe upon the privileges of the holders of the copyrights, trademarks, or other legal rights, for the Hogan's Heroes universe.