For Want of a Beer
Zoey Traner

Papa Bear Awards 20052005 Papa Bear Awards - Nominated
Best Comedy

Papa Bear Awards 20052005 Papa Bear Awards - Nominated
Best Portrayal of a Canon Character - Corporal Peter Newkirk

Papa Bear Awards 20052005 Papa Bear Awards - Second Place
Best Short Story


Summary: One of the Heroes finds himself in a bad situation.


This is a one-shot for ďfanesĒ, who asked. This probably wasnít what you werenít expecting, fanes, but this is what the muse kicked out. I hope you enjoy it.


Please forgive the lack of proper technique. This is a stream of consciousness kind of thing that Iíve never tried before. Itís also un-betaed.


The PG rating is for swearing.





How did I manage this?


Iím in trouble here.


No way around it.


Iím stuck.


Pinned down.


Caught fast.


Going absolutely nowhere.


In a hurry.


In a bloody handbasket with pink ribbons on it.






I am never, ever, going to say Ďpiece of cakeí again in my entire life. Mark my words. Cross my heart so help me and how do I manage to get myself into situations like this and what am I going to do NOW?!?


:: Deep breath::


Calm. Stay calm, Peter. Donít panic.


Pretend that you are not forty feet in the air, standing on a ledge less than a foot wide.


Better. Much better. Calm.


Oh, bloody . . . No one knows where I am!!


Right. Panic now.




This is all Londonís fault!


Did my duty. Delivered the information like a good fellow. Was spot on time to boot. Piece oí . . .


Saw nothing wrong with taking a wee bit of a detour on my way back to camp. A beer sounded lovely. Deserved it, I say. What with being stuck in camp for days on end, nothing to do but watch the birds peck at the dirt and the barbed wire rust.


Just one beer. One. That was all. And I didnít get to finish it!


Changed my mind. This is Klinkís fault for popping in like he did. Of all the times for the twit to show up. I got here first!


Just lucky I saw him before he saw me. The guvínor wouldnít have been happy if he had.


Come to think of it Ė the guvínor isnít going to be happy if I donít get myself off this bleeding ledge and back to camp and how the bloody HELL do I manage to get myself into situations like this!?!


What was that?


That was not a rain drop that just hit my nose.


Yes . . . it was.


Oh, just lovely.


That decides it, then. The fates are ruddy well conspiring against me tonight.


All because I wanted a beer! And I didnít get to finish it!!


Blast Klink, anyway.


He would have seen me if I hadnít knicked upstairs right quick. Thought I had it made only Iíd put myself right in his way! Who would have guessed the sod would have a friend staying here? Didnít know he had friends!


All I could do to keep out of sight ahead of him. He just kept coming up behind me like a plodding cow, boots clumping on the stairs. His friend couldnít be in a room on the second floor, could he? Had to be on the third!


Finally got far enough ahead of olí Iron Pants to open a door with my trusty lockpick and pop inside the room only to find someone in it!


Woke the bloke right up, even quiet as I was. Lucky for me it was a warm enough night he had the window open. Never moved so fast in my life getting out that window before he turned over and got the light on. Probably thought the breeze going by his bed was just a breeze. Hah! A man-made one by the name of Peter Newkirk.


Guess he didnít like the breeze Ďcause he shut the bloody window! Ruddy Kraut. Cold-blooded the lot of them.


Far as I can see, no other open windows on this floor.


So here I am. Perched out here on the ledge like a pigeon!


A pigeon thatís getting wetter by the minute.


Down is no good. That leaves up.


Hmm. Maybe if I stretch . . . I can reach. . . blasted rain in my eyes . . . making it hard to see . . .


Who was the ruddy Kraut who decided this building would look good with an extended cornice?!??


Cor, now what do I do how --


What was that??


What . . .


No. No. No. No!


The ledge IS NOT cracking!!ITíS BLOODY WELL NOT!!


Oh, mum.




Shoddy German workmanship is going to be the end of me! Splattered on the cobbles like a ripe tomato all for the want of a beer that I DIDNíT GET TO FINISH AND HOW AM I GOING TO GET OUT OF THIS AND . . .




Do that instinct hunch thing you do that creepy knowing and bloody well find me like a good ---


What was that????


Iím hearing things in my last moments. Voices.


Wait. Just one voice? In my last earthly moments, Iím hearing . . .




ďWhat are you doing up there? Wait! No! Tell me later! Stop nattering on and be a good mate and get me out of here!Ē


ĎDonít move,í he says. Where the bloody hell does he think Iíll go??


ďWhere are you going, Andrew?Ē




ďCARTER! THIS CRACK ISNíT WAITING!Ē†† Bloody hell itís hard shouting in a whisper!


Calm. Stay calm. Donít panic. Heíll be right back.






Any second now. Right back.Right --


ďAh, there you are, mate. Johnny on the spot with a rope. What?? I know youíre nameís not Johnny -- NEVER MIND, Carter, just throw the bloody rope down here before I end up a bloody mess down on the bloody street!Ē


ďGot it!Ē


Just in time there goes the ledge and donít let go Andrew but donít let me pull you over mate and boy am I needing practice at this rope-climbing but not for awhile since Iím at the top and Iím SAFE!


ďStop looking all worried, mate, Iím fine, thanks to you. That was quite a timely rescue, Andrew, not even the guvínor could have done better.Ē


ďYeah, of course, I mean it. You were my hero.Ē


ďNow, what do you say we get off this roof and you can tell me over a beer how you happened to find me. Yeah, a beer. All this hanging about has made me thirsty!Ē

Text and original characters copyright 2004 by Zoey Traner

This copyright covers only  original material and characters, and in no way intends to infringe upon the privileges of the holders of the copyrights, trademarks, or other legal rights, for the Hogan's Heroes universe.